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“We are seriously out of practice,” Callie said after plopping down next to her boyfriend Holden. It was a bit of an unusual couple for us since neither of them seemed angry or even that worried about the fact that they hadn’t had sex for the past 2 years. More than anything they were perplexed. Callie added, “In the beginning, our sex was insanely romantic, like every touch and every look and every move was full of meaning and promise.” Holden chimed in, “After a while, that just sort of faded and it didn’t really get replaced with anything.”
“That sounds like some pretty High G sex,” I said laughing.
“Hi G?” Holden queried.
“Yes, it seems to me that the two of you started out with some really high gravity sex, sex where each of you took yourselves and each other extremely seriously. Maybe it’s time for a little bit of Low G Sex, something more playful and less consequential.”
The great thing about Callie and Holden was that they had already come to terms with the fact that sex was going to be different in a long-term relationship. Many couples who are having trouble in their sexual relationship hold so tightly to the early experiences, they never get to find a new rhythm with each other. While we certainly wanted to help Callie and Holden find out how to have the hottest sex they could, we also just wanted to get them back into each other’s orbit again. We wanted to help them re-break the ice.
Low G Sex, sex where you decide that you are just going to get it on without taking it too seriously, can be a great antidote to making sure sex happens in the midst of kids, work, social commitments and all the craziness of everyday life. So, how do you have Low G Sex? First, you need to agree that that’s what you are going to do and that you are both up for it. Callie and Holden loved the idea, and left our office ready to start their next sexual experience with some naked tickling (neither had an aversion) and a pillow fight.
In the next session, they were both red-cheeked as they told their story. “It was ridiculous but it helped so much. We just decided, one way or another, we are going to screw around and get off and it turned out to be a lot easier than we thought. Once we dropped the idea that it had to be the most mind-blowing sex in the world, we both ended up satisfied. Since then we can’t stop laughing about it, we lock eyes and just crack up!”
In addition to pillow fights and tickling, here are some other ways to have Low G sex:
- Have an Oral Sex Match – see which one of you can last the longest giving the other oral sex. For the man, it is a double challenge because he needs to try to last long as a giver and receiver. The woman just gets to have as many orgasms as she can as the receiver (this is better for couples who won’t take the competitive part of this too seriously).
- Give Each Other Lap Dances – Make sure you pick your favorite songs and shake and grind your way to Funky Town.
- Porno Roulette – go to a porn site, each of you think of a sex word, put them together and search away. If you end up with MILF creampie, so be it.
- Have an Innovative Sex Toy Party – bring out your favorite sex toys (or the ones you’ve never opened) and try to use them in a way their manufacturer did not intend.
- Play Truth or Dare – and dare your partner to do all the things you want them to do to you. Don’t forget to have them moon the dog or ice their nipples at least once!
Remember in a long-term relationship, if you wait for the perfect time to have perfect sex, you might just wait forever. Letting yourself be silly and more relaxed can keep sex flowing in your lives. Try some Low G sex tonight and blast off…
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“I don’t know who you are, but that strap-on you’re wearing … mmm… just WORKS for you,” I said to her, walking up to her slowly and looking into her eyes. “Oh, thank you,” she replied playfully, “Would you like a kiss?”
We made out for a bit. “Unfortunately, I have to move on,” she pouted her delicious lips and said, pointing to a group of people beckoning to her. Wiggling her shapely ass at me, she asked, “One for the road?” Since she asked nicely, I obliged.
This was such a different play party experience for me
In the past, play parties have been a stressful place. I’ve been the guy who creepily hangs out in a corner looking sad and pathetic because he’s all alone and doesn’t know what to do while everyone else around him is having a great time. I’ve been the guy who has tons of great conversations with women, only to have them fizzle out to a friendly, awkward sputter. I’ve been the guy who’s been rejected many, many times by women who are “only here to watch”, only to watch them 10 minutes later in the throes of passion with another guy.
In short, play parties are like real life – a microcosm of everything that happens in sex, dating, and relationships out there, but at warp speed and on steroids.
Frustrated with the constant rejection and stress that play parties entail, I stopped going to them for over a year. However, as I’ve been working on becoming a sex and relationship coach via the Somatica Training and learning all of the tools that they also teach in their Cockfidence workshop and so my curiosity was aroused. Would I be able to navigate a play party better with all of my new skills? I decided to try it out.
The party was a gorgeous home with a great view, a backyard with a large pool, and hot tub. The centerpiece of the living room was a lovely, bright red set of aerial silks hung from a hook in the ceiling. Several rooms upstairs and downstairs were converted to play spaces. It was a bright, sunny day and everyone was in a good mood.
I arrived a bit early and offered to help with setup. This helped me calm my own nerves down and get to know the hosts and organizers a bit. As more people gathered, I mingled and made friends. I was genuinely interested in who these people were and what drew them here.
Embodiment and being connected to my cock
As I started walking around, I felt a lot more embodied and connected to my desire and my cock. This is part of what Cockfidence is all about. Most of us guys live in our heads. We spend all of our time analyzing and performing, and very little time just being. This might sound a little bit woo-woo and abstract, but it has real consequences. When we meet women, we end up expressing our desire unnaturally and inauthentically. We are constantly thinking about putting on the right performance, trying to be seductive while worrying about doing things right, saying the right line, not being perceived as a creep or a perpetrator, trying to be nice.
News flash: the very effort we put on to not appear creepy is often the very thing that others perceive as creepy in the first place! Creepy is what sometimes happens when there is a disconnect between the different signals we give out. For example, there is a gorgeous woman in front of me that I really, really desire, but in my head, I’m going, “I need to play it cool and nice. Girls don’t like guys who just want sex. I need to show her I’m friendly.” As a result, the vibe I give out is a weird mishmash of desire and shame; creepy some of the time, not sexy all of the time.
During Somatica, we went through many different exercises in connecting with our own body and desire. I learned that being connected to my cock doesn’t mean I have to walk around with a massive hard-on all the time. It means that I can access, and I’m comfortable with my sexual desire. This means that I control better how I reveal it. That desire and the control over the desire is very sexy for women.
Cockfidence is a big mindset shift. being connected and embodied helps me access and express desire better, be more playful, and have an attitude of abundance instead of scarcity. But mindset is not all. A man also needs to have some real skills.
Feather touch: a gateway drug
A couple of years ago, touching a woman felt like an intractable mystery. “It’s too hard!” “You’re tickling me!”. It felt like constant guesswork to figure out what kind of touch a woman wanted. Somatica teaches a number of different sexy touches, and especially the importance of starting with feather touch, or light caressing and escalating from there. During the party, I ran into a really cute redhead. We started talking, and (after asking) I started caressing her arm. Her response? “Well, if you’re going to touch me like THAT, we need to find a better location and I need to take some clothes off!” The light caressing warmed her up and pretty soon, we were in the throes of a really passionate, sexy time.
Feather touch is a superpower. It’s a safe, sensual touch that most women enjoy immensely. It builds trust, and not a lot of men have mastered it. Learn it well, young padawan, and the force will be with you.
To gain Cockfidence you need to you need to learn not only feather touch but holding touch as well as different kinds of sexual attitudes, ranging from very tender and romantic to very passionate and dominant. It helps when a man has all of these tools in his repertoire.
If I did it, so can you…
Play parties can be terrifying if you’re new to them. As a guy, going by yourself can bring up lots and lots of issues: past rejection, shame, fear of being a perpetrator, fear of being creepy. However, it’s also possible with a little bit of work to learn how to have a really fun time, make awesome friends, be playful, and even have some really great sex. Somatica definitely helped me get into the Cockfidence mindset, and I look forward to lots more fun parties in the future.
- Raj is a professional photographer and a student in this year’s Somatica Training. He is planning to start his own practice as a Sex and Relationship Coach when he graduates!
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When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it can be challenging to transition into sex, especially if you are yourself or happen to have a thorny partner. What is a thorny partner, you ask? Great question! A thorny partner is a partner that is both horny and has some prickly challenges with transitioning or getting in the mood for sex. In other words, a person who has two parts inside them, one that really wants sex (the horny part) and one that kind of avoid or feels averse to sex when it first starts (the thorny part). This can be very challenging because the thorny part makes their partner feel rejected, while the horny part feels rejected that their partner isn’t trying harder.
So, how do you deal with Thorniness in your relationship?
If you are the thorny partner the first step is knowing that it is true for you without any judgment. There are so many reasons why people can be thorny and not feel ready to jump right into sex. You may feel in your head and even annoyed after having been focused on work all day. Or, you may also have been brought up in a very shame-based atmosphere around sex so, before you are aroused, there is an unconscious but strong part of you that thinks sex is yucky or trivial. That’s ok, the great thing is that, once you are aroused, this part generally shuts down or switches over to become part of your arousal.
If You Are the Thorny Partner
It will be really helpful to your partner to tell them about your thorniness, so that they know it is not about them. Then, let them know what kinds of things they should do to help you overcome those feelings. Perhaps you will want to ask them if you can run away and they will chase you or if it is ok with them if you are not particularly responsive when they first make their moves, but they should keep going. Also, if there is some way for you to signal to them that you are feeling thorny but you want them to keep trying, make up a shared signal for this!
If You Are the Partner of a Thorny Person
The first step is to try your hardest not to take it personally. It is not a rejection of you, but a residual product of being in an over-worked, sex-negative society. It is important that you know that just because they are thorny, it doesn’t mean that they want you to give up on them. Let them know that you totally understand that it is hard for them to get in the mood and see if they can articulate to you what words or signals mean that they really want you to stop and what words or signals mean that they want you to keep trying and see if they can get in the mood. As long as you have a shared verbal or non-verbal language around this, you can feel like it is ok to keep trying to see if you can move beyond the thorns to the horns!
We hope that knowing there are thorny folks out there, knowing that you don’t have to be ashamed of it, knowing it can be hard on a partner, and having a team approach to it will help you have a Happy, Horny Halloween!!!
The post This Halloween, Let’s Talk About Your Thorny Partner… appeared first on Celeste & Danielle.
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If a relationship lasts long enough, it is inevitable that you will eventually experience The Gap – and the gap gets in the way of so much of happiness. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Before we take a look at all the problems the gap causes and what the heck we can do about it, we must first define it.
The gap, friends, is that pesky difference between who you first imagined your partner was and the person who is actually sitting in front of you. The gap happens for sooooooo many reasons. To read more about all of the reasons and how you can help couples, click here.
- Romantic Projection – you are told so many stories about what love is supposed to be, that it colors the way that you look at a potential partner. In order for them to meet the romantic fantasy of being a perfect match, you only see the parts of them that fit into that picture, or, if you are quite good at magical thinking, you manage to see those parts even when they aren’t there at all!
- Marketing – at the beginning, your partner was putting their best foot forward. Because humans are social creatures who know what people usually want in a partner and a potential partner can also read all the signals you put out about what you like and don’t like, when you met they emphasized the things about themselves that fit into this image. In other words, they tried very hard to be what they thought you wanted them to be so that you would like them. Marketing can include hiding the parts of themselves they think you won’t like, slightly exaggerating traits you seem to like about them, or just straight up lying to win your favor.
- Circumstance – whenever, however and wherever you met, the activities you were engaging in or they way you were living your life made you seem like you were more compatible than you really are. For example, you met in school where you had so much in common because…you were both going to school!!! Now, you are out in the real world and it turns out that your interests, or how you like to spend your time, or how often you have energy to have sex have completely changed.
We are sure now that you are thinking about it, you can come up with some of the problems the gap causes. It can cause you to think that you were tricked or that your partner used to love you, but doesn’t love you anymore. It can cause you to go on a partner improvement spree, where you try to get your partner to be all the ways that you thought they were. It can cause you to feel like you made a wrong choice and, if you just keep looking, you will find the person that meets all of these needs.
We’d like to offer a different approach – we’d like you to Mind the Gap, by which we mean, keep in mind that the Gap will be there in every relationship. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wholeheartedly enjoy the beginning where everything feels perfect -being so doped up on hormones and projections that your feet don’t touch the ground is one of the funnest parts of the whole adventure. We suggest you enjoy the shit out of it! At the same time, remember that the Gap will show up eventually and, while we wholeheartedly support you allowing yourself to feel all the feelings, and have all the tantrums (for more on how to have a good, connected tantrum with your partner check out our book Making Love Real) you need to have, we also encourage you to not make the Gap mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that you just haven’t found “the one” or that you can get back to how you (never really) were if you just try hard enough.
Yes, we want you to be Mindful of the Gap, to watch the insidious way that the difference between who you thought your partner was and who they actually are can get between the two of you. Instead of twisting it into some horrible tragedy, we want you to learn how to step over it be accepting the person who is actually sitting across from you and experience real love.
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We were just joking about the 5 Easy Steps, but we do think it’s time to lose the reputation you’ve been trying so hard to protect! So here’s a story by (and about) Celeste that we think will help you find your freedom instead…
When the rumors started
One Monday morning in 8th grade, as I jogged slowly around the block with my fellow students in PE class in the small town where I grew up, one of my classmates jogged up next to me, “So, I heard you gave head to John last night in Nate’s treehouse.” Simultaneously, I felt the wind knocked out of me and my flight response kicked in full-force. I started to run as fast as I could – Looking back now, I know I was trying to run away from this image of me as a girl who would give a blowjob at a party to someone she wasn’t even really dating. Never having been any kind of jock, it was certainly the fastest I’d ever run in PE.
Nevermind that the furthest I had ever gone with a boy was a french kiss and a little touching of my breasts over the shirt. But for the sake of the rumor mill, the fact that I had breasts – really big ones for my young age combined with my flirtatious personality were enough to brand me a slut. When I first heard the news I felt a very strong need to clear up my reputation, to make sure people knew that I had done no such thing. At the same time, I was perhaps lucky to have been born in the early 70’s into a family who had fully embraced being part of the hippie counterculture. It had never been our motto to fit in or be what everyone else thought we should be. My dad was an avid stoner and, by this time, my mom had already begun her career as a Tarot reader.
And I, whether I liked it or not, was going to be seen as a slut. It didn’t take me too long to stop running and to wholeheartedly embrace the slut image. After all, I was really horney. I loved to flirt and feel people’s attraction towards me. Though I didn’t have sex with lots of guys, I started having sex relatively early and had had 5 partners by the end of high school. I also loved to make out at parties and I really, really loved dressing sexy. I liked the attention and I liked showing off my big, beautiful breasts.
Letting the “Good Girl” Go
There was something about losing the reputation of being a “good girl”, (something I still love to be called during sex), that also freed me up from worrying too much about being good in general. We, humans, are complex creatures, and to pretend that all of our motives and actions come from a place of love, generosity, and positive purpose is a lie. What’s more, even when we are coming from a place of love, generosity, and positive purpose, others may still see or experience what we are doing differently. They may even feel harmed by something that we are offering from this place.
The wonderful thing about losing your reputation, early and often, is that you don’t have to be shameful, or guilty, or defensive when you do something from the not-so-full-of-love-and-light part of yourself – from the childish, vindictive, or narcissistic part. And, you don’t have to defend yourself if you are doing something from a place of positive intention and someone else experiences what you’ve done as hurtful. Instead, you can “cop to it”. When you can be honest about not being perfect and you can let go of having to be seen as perfect, you get to be human and you get to be more connected.
So, go ahead and ruin your reputation
Think about it, if you have to defend against, divorce yourself from, or hide from anyone who thinks that something about you isn’t perfect or who is harmed by your best intentions, you will spend a lot of time defending, divorcing yourself, and hiding. If, instead, you step towards people and acknowledge your imperfections and hear their pain.You may even know that they are most certainly gossiping about you behind your back and you can let go of needing that to be different because you can now walk in the world with openness. People may look at you and shake their head disapprovingly saying, “She (or he) is shameless” and you will know that they are right. Turns out being free of shame is not such a bad thing.
- Photo by Raj Bandyopadhyay
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